When I told my boss, who is a mom of two, that I was expecting another small human she was elated for me – and then looked me deadpan in the eye and said, “I need to warn you though, you’ll find nobody cares about your second”.
We laughed. “Oh sure I know” already not expecting the fanfare and gift-giving that accompanied No1’s arrival. But at 26 weeks along, I’ve realised how much more it is than that. The explosion of joy that came along with every “Fruitloop” update (as No1s in utero name went). The weekly “Baby is as big as a …” shared. This time around I’ve felt I’ve needed to swallow my joy. I’m not sure if two years later, it’s just our friendship group at a different place in life – my pregnancy losses and finally no1 sticking were the first baby making, it was novel. Now there are two little humans already in our gang. Now there are people trying and struggling for their own, it’s a different moment. No one asks if you want a baby shower. A passing comment of a suggestion quickly gets commandeered for a different event.
I’m not sure either if it’s Covid Life and Hong Kong’s continuous hardline restrictions that are keeping me from seeing those who without a doubt DO care and are beyond excited. I can feel the tears brimming yet again as I type this – I’ve been so good at keeping those feelings submerged (I can’t change anything) – but as Christmas nears and this baby’s arrival nears and I want so badly to explode with the joy of it all, instead I find myself crumbling. I need the joy sharers.
I want to relish in this moment. Regardless if another were to come around, I will never be pregnant with this little person again. They’re in there kicking me hard already, I feel reminding me to not take it for granted. And I want to reply: “Oh Bébé, don’t for a second think I’m not beyond excited to meet you, to get to know you. I’m buzzing at the thought of your every feature, of sniffing the top of your head and covering you in kisses. You are so incredibly loved already. The world is waiting for you, and you will set its stage alight with your magic.”
