The Importance of Seeking Out Conversations About Post Partum and Parenthood
“What about motherhood has surprised you?”, my friend queries as she gets to cuddle my son for the first time. She’s not the first person to ask me this question, it comes up frequently to be honest, but I have no interesting answers. There hasn’t been a huge amount of unexpected in my ‘We’re Expecting!’ journey thus far. I shrug it off with a quip about my nerdy preparedness and my friends all laugh knowing how true it is. The conversation moves on
But ask a new parent how they’re doing and a lot of the time their response will begin with “no one ever tells you…xyz”. It might be a more general “No one ever tells you how hard it is” or “No one ever tells you how lonely it can be.” Other times it’s a very specific shock like “No one ever tells you how much breastfeeding hurts”. And it wasn’t, however, until the combination of being asked to write about my (rather prepared for) breastfeeding journey and discovering my own knowledge blindspot (when I wanted to lament “I wish I’d known sex after a c-section could still hurt!”) that I really understood the value of seeking out conversations and knowledge, as well as the calming effect that well-managed expectations can have on the newborn experience.
So here’s the tea: It’s not that no one’s talking about these things. They are. It’s just that they may not be talking about them in your everyday conversations.
Sometimes that’s just because the topic didn’t come up. Or it only comes up in the midst of your struggle (“Oh how a bit of pre-warning would have had me far better prepared!”, you sigh). But also maybe some of these conversations are easier said online. This is really where the world of social media shows its good side – it can be so helpful and supportive. So I’m here to encourage you to be proactive. Go seek the conversations. Arm yourself with well-sourced knowledge and anecdotes alike. Listen. Engage. Becoming a parent is a challenging journey, but the more prepared you are for the road, the less shocking those dips and bumps will be (and there will be dips and bumps). You can’t eradicate all the challenges but being mentally prepared for them and understanding them is half the battle won.
I find my breastfeeding journey to be a great example of this. My geekiness on full display I have a Pinterest board called ‘Milk Bags’. It has everything from breast-feeding personal experiences to pump options to latching advice, positions, nursing clothing options, how to bottle & boob – the whole shebang. I joined a local breastfeeding support group on Facebook. I started following accounts on Instagram that facilitated open, honest conversations. Not everyone will say the exact same thing, not everyone will have the same experience but certain bits and bobs will keep coming up. And it’s from this that I was able to summarise and have a plan of action. I knew it wouldn’t just happen magically. I knew that good support would be key. I knew it would be uncomfortable and difficult. I knew to expect pain but that pain also indicated that something wasn’t quite right. I prepped my partner on all this – and on his role to bring me water and snacks! Was it still hard? Yes. Did I still cry? Numerous times. Did I wonder how anyone could say they miss this? Often. Am I loving it now? So much.
But I cannot imagine going into this blind.
My own seeking out of conversation and knowledge was invaluable to being mentally strong: It was tough, but I was ready for tough. Yes, I am surrounded by friends who are or have breastfed. My mom breastfed me; my MIL breastfed my husband. They weren’t intentionally keeping secrets or feeling hushed – some of these conversations just hadn’t come up before. A good friend checked in on me a few days into it – she knew how the nips were probably feeling and sent me some encouragement. It was so welcomed but also reminded me that sometimes we only talk about these things when we are in the midst of the struggle. Had I not prepped there would have been multiple “no one tells you” moments for this postpartum aspect alone.
There’s also a bonus to being mentally prepared for things being tough – you’re likely to give yourself a bit more grace. And please give yourself all the grace. You’re allowed to find it hard. You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to wish to not be needed so much. We’re often our own worst enemy in this regard.
The newborn phase is full of potential struggles, and I can’t make them all go away. But I can attest to the value of honest expectations found through open, vulnerable conversations.
Seek them out.
